Being with dying
Mama: Sebi, can I talk to you about Barney? Barney is very old, as you know.
Sebi: Yes, older than you and Papa.
Mama: And he’s okay right now, but we might start to notice that he isn’t feeling well. And when that happens, he will have to go away (backpedalling in my head).
Sebi: Where will he go?
Mama: (remembering that I have to be literal at his age) His body will stop working. He won’t be in pain once that happens.
Sebi: I don’t want him to go away.
Mama: I know. Me neither. What I’m trying to say is… he will die one day, maybe soon, my love.
Sebi: Hugs me. Cries with me. I don’t want him to die. I love him.
Mama: I do too. And I don’t want him to either. But he’s here right now, and we can love him so much while he’s here. The sadness we feel, that’s because we love him. The hurt we feel, it’s important that we talk about it.
Oh. My. God. Parenting.
Like, actual parenting.
Around loss, no less.
Holy sh!t, it’s hard.
Later, talking it through with one of our incredibly wise students at the studio, I realized how strange and beautiful this work is - awesome as she put it (maybe a little awe-ful too) this privilege of teaching while learning, breaking cycles in real time, watching your child understand something profound while you are still figuring it out yourself.
I got to witness how much understanding can live inside such a small heart. I got to see his grief, his love, his honesty - and meet it with my own. I got to be fully human while watching him be fully human too. All while quietly processing my own feelings in real time. There were no perfect words. Just the truth. And somehow, that was enough. You can feel it when it is exactly how it should be.
Maybe that’s the work: learning alongside our children instead of ahead of them. Letting them see that love includes sadness. That uncertainty is allowed. That adults don’t always know what to say - but we stay anyway.
And maybe that’s how we learn - not just how to parent our children, but how to gently re-parent ourselves at the same time.